Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 47

GIRL: Luv, When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
BOY: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
GIRL: Well, that's because we aren't married yet.

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SON: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
MOM: Well, you have done the right thing son !.
SON: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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WIFE: " What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
HUSBAND: " Golfing with friends, my dear."
WIFE: " What ? At 2 am ? "
HUSBAND: " Yes, We used night CLUBS."

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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans,"
said another. Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

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Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her ?
Millionaire: A Billionaire !!

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A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "It Depends, if I can find a phone."

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me -
my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your
Sense of Humour." !!

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AGAPITO: Pare, da best yung nakuha kong insurance!
pag nasunog ang bahay mo... ipapagawa agad!
pag nawala ang kotse mo. . . papalitan agad!

TULUME: Aba, maganda nga yan pare!

AGAPITO: At ang pinaka da-best dun. . . . pag nawala ang
asawa mo, sinisiguro nilang di na nila ibabalik sayo!!
Okey di ba?

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ANAK: Alam nyo 'tay, KAMUNTIK na po akong maging first
honor kanina sa klase namin!

AMA: Tutuo ba yan anak?

ANAK: Opo 'tay! kasi itinuro po ng titser namin yung first honor
namin kanina. . . . eh katabi ko po yung tinuro niya!

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Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 46

A LIZARD fell on a table......
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ULAM!

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LADY:Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
PRIEST: Kasi ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

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SA PRUSISYON.
PARI: Ang mga boys, sumunod sa karo ni San Jose. . . At
ang mga girls, sa karo naman ni Mama Mary !
BAKLA: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
PARI: Hoy! Mga bruha!. . . Follow me!

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TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
TUKMOL: Wala po sir, survey lang ho....O Ngayon, yung mga duwag naman ang lumabas!

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A WOMAN worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A MAN never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A SUCCESSFUL MAN is one who makes money...MORE than his wife can spend.
A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN is one who can find such a man !!

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"A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument."

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M. ARROYO: Glo, kung sakaling di ako makaligtas sa gagawing By-pass operation sa akin, gusto ko sana kung mamatay ako ay katabi ko si Erap at si Jinggoy!!
GMA: Di ba kagalit natin ang mga yun? bakit gusto mo silang makatabi?
M. ARROYO: Gusto ko kasing mamatay ng katulad ni Kristo eh......nasa gitna ng dalawang magnanakaw!!

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Anong pool ang pwedeng tulugan?
Eh di Pool-ding bed!!

Anong pool naman ang paborito kung pasko?
Eh di delicious a-pool !!

Anong pool naman ang ibinibigay sa mga sexing babae?
Ano pa, eh di Si-pool !!

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LADY: Berto! San ka ba galing at inumaga ka ng uwi? Di ba sabi
ko sayo kagabi eh dalhin mo itong pusa at iligaw mo? Eh
bakit nandito pa 'tong bwisit nato?

HOUSEBOY: Dinala ko nga po siya kagabi dun sa pinaka-loob ng
gubat mam, inikot ko pa nga po ng inikot sa madilim na
lugar bago ko inilabas sa sako yang pusang yan eh!

LADY: Oh eh ano ginawa mo pagkatapos?

HOUSEBOY: Mabuti na nga lang po at naisipan kong sundan siya.. .. .
kaya nga po ako naka-uwi eh!!

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Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 45

WIFE: Labs, ano ireregalo mo sa akin sa 10th year
Wedding aniversary natin?

MAN: Magtu-tour tayo lab, isasama kita sa Africa at
ipapasyal kita para makita mo ang magagandang
klase ng mga hayop duon!

WIFE: Wow! ang sweet naman non! Eh sa 25th Wedding
aniversary natin, ano naman ang plano mong gawin?

MAN: Aba eh di. . . . susunduin na kita dun!

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PEDRO: Pare, ang tagal mong nawala ah! San ka ba galing?

BRUNO: Sa sementeryo, sa libing ng biyenan ko!

PEDRO: Eh bakit puro kalmot ang katawan at braso mo?

BRUNO: Lumaban kasi ng husto eh! Ang hirap ilibing!

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MADRE: Father, pagsabihan nyo naman po yun mga seminarista,
kasi duon sila umi-ihi sa pader...nakakahiya po!

PADRE: Ah, huwag kang mag-alala, MALIIT na bagay lang yun
at di na dapat pansinin!

MADRE: Hindi po father, MALALAKI PO!

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MAN: Labs, kung sakaling hindi ko maliligtasan itong gagawin
sa aking operasyon, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa mga
anak natin ha? Huwag mo silang pababayaan!!

WIFE: ULOL! Anong operasyon pinagsasabi mo? Napaka-DUWAG
mo kasi eh! Kung kelan tatlo na anak mo ,,,,, ngayon mo lang
naisipang MAGPA-TULE!!

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Anak: Mommy, ang ganda ng bracelet mo. Bigay ba ni Daddy 'yan?

Mommy: Ay naku anak, kung sa Daddy mo lang ako aasa, baka pati ikaw eh wala sa mundong ito.

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Doc: "Ano ba ang trabaho mo, iha?"
Girl: "Substitute po dok."
Doc: "Di kaya, prostitute ?"
Girl: "Doc, Mommy ko ang prostitute. Kung hindi siya puwede, ako ang pumapalit!"

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Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala...
I won't take advantage of you!"
Girl: "Eh Saan ko po ilalagay ang bra at panty ko?"
Doc: "Diyan na lang sa tabi ng brief ko."

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APO: Lolo, nagse-sex pa po ba kayo ni Lola?
LOLO: Oo iha, pero "Oral" na lang. Pag-higa ko sa tabi niya,sinasabi ko "Fuck you" at sumasagot siya, "Fuck you too." Ayos na yon!

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AT THEIR HONEYMOON:

A 60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: "Honey, before we do it, would you like us to first pray for guidance."

Young Bride: "Darling, just pray for ENDURANCE, I'll take care of the guidance!" Okey?

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Pedro: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.

Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!

Pedro: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, KAGATAN na ang labanan?

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