Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 15

While on the Bus

Boy: I hate when i see a girl standing in a bus when i am comfortably seated

Girl: so what do u do?

Boy: i just close my eyes

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Madaling magkasakit ang mga cute...

ang mga crush ng bayan...

ang ma appeal at henyo...

ang kind, thoughtful, smart, sweet, malakas ang karisma...

ang....

sama ng pakiramdam ko...

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Sa impiyerno

Satanas: Papipiliin kita ng gusto mong parusa sa yo!!! mamili ka sa tatlong kuwarto ng kaparusahan!!

Binuksan ang unang kuwarto, isang lalaki ang nakakadena habang unti unting lumulubog sa dagat ng apoy..

Boy: ayoko diyan!!!

Binuksan ang pangalawang kuwarto: isang lalaki ang nakakadena nilalatigo!!

Boy: ayoko riyan!!!

Binuksan ang pangatlong kuwarto: isang matandang lalaki nakakadena habang bini-bj ng isang magandang babae.

Boy: Diyan!!! dyan ako dapat!!!

Satanas: (kinalabit ang magandang babae) May kapalit ka na!!!

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Dalawang lalaki umiinom sa bar

M1: Hoy!!! nakasex ko ang nanay mo!!!

M2 Walang kibo

M1: pare sabi ko nakasex ko ang nanay mo!!!

M2: hay nako!! lasing ka na!!! Uwi ka na itay!!! tsk!!!

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Sabi nila ang pinakamalibog daw na hayop ay kabayo!!!

pero maraming tao nagsasabi COW daw!!!

COW nga ba??

siguro COW nga

di ba COW??

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Blond says to the doctor:

“I think my boobs are full of water”

Doctor: How do you figure that?”

Blond: “Everytime a guy squeezes them, my pussy gets wet”

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Recharge

Recharge

Recharge

Sus dong!!! San ba si rofa???!!!!

-- Annabelle rama

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I have a story

Meron isang lalake who rented a room, at nagtataka siya kung bakit maingay ang kabilang room kahit wala naman tao. Silip siya sa may butas, all he can see was red color. Confused, he ask the janitor kung bakit ganun!!! Janitor explained Meron kasi namatay dyan na babae a year ago.. and one thing you can notice on her…

“SHE HAS RED EYES!!!”

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Kuwentong makahayop

May isang manok naubod ng libog. Sa bukid, lahat pinapatos niya. Ang baboy, bibe, kambing at pati baka…

Kaya sinabi ng mga hayop sa manok…

“ hay naku manok, mangisay ka sana sa sobrang libog mo!!!!”

Isang araw, nakita ng mga hayop ang manok na nakahandusay sa lupa at nangingisay..

Hayop: buti nga sa iyo!!! Mamatay ka sa libog!!!

Manok: mga ulol!!! Antayin niyo ako!! Pagkatapos ko ditto sa LANGGAM yari kayo!!!

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sa buhay
hindi kailangan dami ng pera
para pasayahin ang iba
piso lang ok na
basta thoughtful ka
kaya nga tinetext kita
piso man ang halaga
at least naaalala kita :)

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Qoutes!!! Qoutes !!! Qoutes!!!
Qoutes!!! Qoutes !!! Qoutes!!!
Qoutes!!! Qoutes !!! Qoutes!!!

--Manny Pacquiao ( tinatawag si Freddie Roach)

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Woman: Im a Lesbian
Erap: What's a Lesbian??
Woman: I like to undress a sexy girl such her tits lick her body and make love to her!!!
Erap: Wow!!!! Lesbian din pala ako!!!

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Driver: Boy, iaatras ko yung jeep. tingnan mo kung babangga
Boy: Sige atras pa.. atras pa... atras pa...
BBBLLLAAAGGG!!!
Boy: Ok!!! bangga na!!!

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Marami sa wikang tagalog na pag binaligtad meron ding kahulugan
Tulad ng:

ALAB
BALA

ATAY
YATA

GILID
DILIG

DAGA
AGAD

NILASLAS
....

Bahala ka na!!!

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Girl: Bakit mo ba ako nagustuhang ligawan???
Boy: Kasi mabait ka.. pino ang kilos.. hindi mahalay magsalita at higit sa lahat mahinhin ka...
GIRL: teka... malaki ba ang burat mo??

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Contribution by +6392721***, naidz

Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 14

"filipino class"
Guro: juan, magbigay ng pangungusap na may tayutay...
Juan: Ahem. " ang tatay ay nadapa.. Tayo tay!! tayo tay!!!"

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ang pagkakaibigan...
parang bulate sa puwet hindi mo makikita yun...
pero ikaw lang ang nakakadama ng kiliti nito...
salamat ha!!! dahil isa kang bulate sa puwet ko !!!
ang kati mo friend!!!

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kung pangarap mong mahalin ka ng isang tao ng totoo at tunay at hindi ka lolokohin...
Txt mo si Prospero Pichay!!!
Pangarap niyang tuparin ang pangarap mo!!!!

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There was a mommy fish who got separated from her baby fish...
When they saw each other again after a very long time..
the mommy fish said to the baby fish...


ISDA you?? :)

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Mahirap isipin at pag-isipan na ang taon iniisip mo ay hindi man lang lubos na makaisip na isipin ka...
naisip mo ba ang nais ipaisip ng isip ko??
Pag-isipan mo baka sakaling maisip mong isipin ako...

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kapag maraming ngaaway sau...
tawagin mo lng ako at sabay natin sabhin ang...
kapangyarihan ng taba...
taglay ay mantika..
kambal na biik..
kami ang....SUPER PIGS!

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Minsan pagsapit ng umaga...
nakakasawa na yung mga bati na...
Gud am!!!
Eat your breakfast!!!
or Have a nice day!!!

para maiba naman
kape tau kahit tig-isang Timba lang :)

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May 7 baboy sa 1 box..
may 23 pairs na pato at isang pusa...
ang isang pato ay nakakain ng 56 na uod...
tapos may 5 langgamew
Relax!!! walang tanong... Gandang umaga!!!

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Newly wed
Wife: ang liit ng bird mo hon!! may tattoo na ELMO, sakto lang mga letra...
Husband: maliit ba?? patigasin mo at basahin mo agad!!
Wife: Oh Shit!!! ELfilibusterisMO!!!

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In a classy bar
German: waiter, REMY Martin, single!!!
French: Waiter, Carlo Rossi!!! double!!!
Pinoy: waiter, PoPOY Dimaunat!!! married!!!

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Love.....
Love.....
Love....
IPASOK mo na....
Cge na...
Bilisan mo!!!
Bilis... basa na!!!!
basang basa na!!
Ipasok mo na....
Ipasok mo na...
ang mga sinampay!!!
Lakas ng ulan ah oh!!

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isang araw nakita kita umiiyak sa ulan...
sumigaw ako sabi ko...
"Umalis ka jan!!!"
sabi mo
"wla kang pakialam!!! Dito lang ako!!!"
tumawa ako sabay sabi...
"bahala ka!!!! iyong titi mo!!! bakat na!!!"

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Contribution by +6392721***, naidz

Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 13

PINOY SIGNS

Posted outside a house in Jaro, Iloilo :
HOURSE FOR RENT, FULLY FURNACED
(Boy, it must really be hot in there.)

On a glass window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan :
WE SHOOT YOU WHILE YOU WAIT

Posted at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
BAWAL OMEHI DITO, ANG MAHULI, BOG-BOG!

On the fence of a makeshift parking lot in Pasay :
PARKING PEE: P10

Printed on a streamer in front of a gym in Lucena City :
We Almost Have Complete Set of Gym Equipments
(Now, how's that for truth in advertising?)

In a supermarket in Baguio :
FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE

Outside a flower shop along Avenida Rizal:
WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS

In a bowling center in Congressional:
PARKING FOR COSTUMERS ONLY

In a restaurant in Cebu :
WE HAB SOP-DRINK IN CAN AN IN BATOL

On the glass wall of an eatery in Panay Avenue near National Bookstore (but this was a long time ago):
WANTED: WAITER, CASHIER, WASHIER

In San Andres, Manila :
NO URINATION ON THE OVER WALLS

In a classified ads section:
WANTED SALESLADY, 20-25 YEARS OLD, PROBABLY SINGLE

Outside a sari-sari store in front of Green Valley in Baguio :
NO CRIDET

In a building in Cubao:
NONE ID, NOTHING ENTRY

Outside a videoke bar in Pampanga:
WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE

The name of a laundry shop in Bo. Kapitolyo in Pasig :
CINNAVON

On the gate of a house in Tarlac:
COLD ICED BUKO 4 SALE

Posted outside a beauty shop in Laguna:
WE ALSO DO FULL BODY MESSAGE

In Tiaong, Quezon:
ROAN'S CONTRACTION SUPPLIES

Outside a shoe store in Pangasinan:
WE SELL IMPORTED ROBBER SHOES

In a restaurant in Baguio :
WANTED: BOY WAITRESS


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Names of Philippine business establishments
If you still speak some Filipino, you might enjoy the humor; otherwise, pass it on to your Filipino-speaking friends. The humor gets lost in the translation

Bread Pitt is a a bakery.

Maruya Carey is a a fast-food place selling turon and maruya in Greenbelt , Makati

Caintacky Fried Chicken is a an eatery in Cainta, Rizal.

Mang Donald's is a a burger joint at the Naga City plaza.

Candies Be Love? Can anything be sweeter than this?

Doris Day and Night is a a 24-hour eatery.

Babalik Karinderia is obvious.

Holland Hopia is owned by Mr. Ho.
and next-door neighbor Poland Hopia is owned by Mr. Po. in Chinatown

Miki Mao is a a noodle house.

Tapsi Turbi is a a tapa house.

Cleopata's is a a manukan and bakahan.

Goto Heaven is obvious.

The Fried of Marikina is a a fried chicken house.

Wrap and Roll is a a lumpia outlet at the Quad, Makati .

Pansit ng taga-Malaboni is a a panciteria on Boni Avenue , Mandaluyong.

Side-saki is a a side street eatery beside Mandarin Oriental in Makati .

Let's Goat-Together is a kambingan-cum-beer garden.

Meating Place is a a meat shop.

Meatropolis is a another meat shop.

Isda best,
Pusit to the limit,
and Hipon coming back
are entrees on the menu of a seafood restaurant.

Cinna Von is a laundromat.

Pier Carding is a a tailoring shop in Pier, Manila .

The Way We Wear is a boutique.

Curl Up and Dye is a a beauty salon.

Goldilooks is a barber shop.

Bote Nga Sa 'Yo is a used bottle shop.

Goldirocks is a gravel and sand shop.

Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits is a video rental shop in Palawan .

Leon King is a Video Rental in Las Piñas.

Memory Drug is a clone of Mercury Drug.

Petal Attraction is a flower shop near UP Diliman.

Susan's Roses is a flower shop, but of course!

Maid to Order is a maid-placement agency.

Singalong Sing-along is a karaoke bar in Singalong (where else?).

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Signs seen on jeepneys:
A commuter is a jeepsetter
Pull string to stop driver.
God knows Hudas not pay.
Don't get close to me, get close to God.

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Bakit daw ang utak nasa ulo at ang puso ay nasa dibdib??

Simple lang…

Panget kasi tingnan kapag in-love ka tapos tumitibok ang noo mo…

At ang laswa naman..

Kapag nag-iisip /nahihilo ka tapos hinihimas mo ang dede mo.. hehehehe…

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Ayon sa SWS, mas kaunti raw ang nagugutom ngayon kaysa nang magsimula si GMA.,,
Kung noo 5 out of 10 ang gutom, ngayon tatlo na lang.. Patay na po ang dalawa.!!!

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Bakit dahan-dahang binubuksan ni Pedro ang medicine cabinet??
Baka kase magising ang mga sleeping pills!!!

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Kaytagal ko ng hinintay at hinanap ang isang tulad mo..
Akala ko pa nga hindi na kita makikita…
Pero salamat na lang at dumating ka para magbigay ng sigla..
Kasi gusto kong magkaroon ng frend na mukhang tanga!!!

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Ang love daw ay parang ngipin
minsan masakit
minsan duguan
parang utot minsan nalilihim
minsan nbubuko..
at parang kulangot, hindi mo malalaman kung ano lasa kung hindi mo titikman!!! Tae sa knila na ung love nila!!!

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Kung gaano kabilis ang takbo ng mundo siya naming bagal ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko.
Kaya heto naiwan ako.
Pero OK lang yun basta may kaibigan akong tulad mo.
Na nangungulelat at wala sa wisyo!!!

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Contributor 0917534****, naidz