Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 17

A father was trying to teach his son about the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curld up and died.

Father: all right son, what have you learned from the show???
Son: Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, hindi ka magkakabulate!!!!

---------------------------------

Mister: (kissing wife's shoulder) hon, sige na
Misis: (nairita) bumabagyo!!!
Mister: ayaw mo yun?? malamig!!!
Misis: tanga!!! hindi ka na nahiya!! andaming tao dito sa evacuation center!!!

---------------------------------

Hello!!! Kumusta?? Badtrip ako... baliw yata yung kapitbahay namin.. sigaw ng sigaw, nagwawala talaga!!!.. tapos hindi ako makatulog kasi sumisigaw pa... sabi

"Kahit picture mo lang (your name here)!!! maawa ka naman!!!"

---------------------------------

Anak: mommy kinakain ba ang "shit"???
Mommy: ha?? bakit mo naman naitanong anak???
Anak: kasi kagabi nadinig kita... sabi mo kay daddy...

"SHIT!!! ang sarap!!!"

---------------------------------

Take care of your teeth!!!
Losin your teeth lessens sex drive!!!
According to Chinese, "pak kaw wala ipen, wala kan tooth!!!"
So ingatz of your teeth para melon kan tooth!!!

-----------------------------

Wasari
amusar
bikulom
de amunar
talaspaku
amunar
hom ir
de pekre
al madukurar
hom hom
puran!!!


Binasa mo???!!!
Orasyon yan pampakapal ng bulbol!!! heheheheh!!!

-------------------------

Juana: Mare, sama ka sa paluwagan namin??? kulang na lang kami ng isa...
Jing: ayaw ko mare...
Juana: bakit naman???
Jing: ayaw ko... kasi virgin pa ako!!

------------------------

Amazona: Sa wakas!!! Ako huli din lalaki!!! tagal na hindi ako tikim titi!!!
Bihag: Wow, swerte!!!! Ang seseksi nila!!!
Amazona: Hugas nyo mabuti titi bago iihaw!!!

------------------------

Misis: honey, bago mo ako naging asawa, ilan ang naging chicks mo???
Mister: selos ka lang!! huwag na!!
Misis: sige na!!!
Mister: kulit mo!! oh sige, there was 1,2,3,4,5, ikaw, then, 7,8,9..

------------------------

INRITS YUR BOCABOLARY: by Manny Pacquiao

TACTICS: tunog ng orasan

PAYT: laban para sa Pinoy

TAYTOL: pamagat ng laban

JENGKEH: name ng dyowa niya

NO PEER: sponsor nya

MOTOR KID: pag-ikot niya sa Maynila

CHECK IN: manok sa McDo

CORRUPT: pagsara ng mata

BARIRA: nakalaban niya

WIT: timbang

WAWAWE: noontime show

DUET: gawin mo

L.A.: Leto Atsensya!!

QOUTES: tawag niya kay Freddie!!!

----------------------------

Girl: nakipagbreak ka na raw sa BF mo??
Girl2: oo hindi kasi sanay humalik kainis.. hindi lang yun.. isang style lang ang alam.. hindi ko ma-feel...
Girl:ano style ba alam ng BF mo??
Girl2: Flying kiss!!!

---------------------------

Nung umalis ka
ayoko sanang habulin ka pa...
Tiniis ko sarili ko..
Pero sa bandang huli..
hindi ko pala kaya...
Hinabol kita...
sabay sigaw...
"Sa kabila ang daan!!! lasing ka na naman!!!"

--------------------------

Si Juan ay asar na asar na sa kanyang buhay at nagtangkang magpakamatay. Umakyat siya sa pinakamataas na building. Nang marating niya ang edge ng rooftop, tumingin siya sa baba... "ang taas!!!!" sigay niya... nagdalawang isip siya at nagpray.. "Lord, itutuloy ko pa ba??? Please give me a sign" Pag-open niya ng eyes, nakita niya ang napakalaking billboard!!!

"Nike: Just do It!!!!"

------------------------------------

Filipino Funny Text messages from 0919567****,0920437****,0927672****

Pinoy Jokes and Funny SMS Text Messages 16

Manghuhula: Magiging mapalad ka sa larangan ng sex.

Duduy: Wow!!! ibig nyong sabihin, marami akong makakasex???

Manghuhula: Hindi. Palad mo lang lagi ang makakasex mo!!!

--------------------------------------------------

Lalaki 1 : anong hayop ang in na in??

Lalaki 2: ano??

Lalaki 1: Bear...

Lalaki 2 : bakit bear??

Lalaki 1: kc OSO... pare OSO...

Lalaki 2 : ngehhh!!! mamatay ka sa kakornihan

---------------------------------------------------

Therapist: To what animal do you compare your penis???

Juan: Lion!!! its strong!!!

Pedro: giraffe!!! coz its long

Boy: Mouse!!!

Juan and Pedro: What??? Why mouse???

Boy: Coz its chased by pussies!!!

---------------------------------------------------

Pare 1: Ang gara ng sapatos mo pare!!!

Pare 2: Sorpresa ng misis ko..

Pare 1: saan nabili??

Pare 2: ewan ko!!! nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama kaninang umaga, may medyas pa nga eh!!!

-----------------------------------------------------

Host: ilang taon na kayo lolo??mananawagan ba kayo??

Lolo: opo, 98 na po...

Host: Wow, tanda niyo na pala... sige po manawagan na kayo..

Lolo: kuya, umuwi ka na.. hindi na galit si daddy sa yo!!!

----------------------------------------------------

In the middle of a baptismal rite, the bishop officiating said:

"ang lambot ng ulo ng bata"

The pretty mother replied:

"Father, dede ko yan!!!!"

---------------------------------------------------

Reporter: Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag congressman ka na???

Manny: Anong bill??yung tomotonog pagkatapos ng bawat round sa bukseng???

---------------------------------------------------

Isang araw, may isang Ponkan at isang apple sa loob ng ref.

Sabi ng apple.. WWWuuuu ang lammmeeegggg!!!

napasigaw si ponkan... wwwwaaahhhhh!!!!! nagsasalita yung mansanas!!!!

---------------------------------------------------

Speaker: who among you had experienced habing SEX with a ghost???

A farmer raised his hand.

Speaker: Really???!!! how does it feel to have sex with a ghost??

Farmer: ay puta!!! akala ko GOATS!!!

----------------------------------------------------

Klase ng mga mag-iinom

PASSAGE - mahilig mag-pass ng tagay

THE HIKER – palipat lipat ng puwesto, iwas tagay

THE MARTYR – nagpapanggap na kaya pa kahit senglot na

KID SENTI – madaming naaalala pag nakainom na

THE FUGITIVE - umuuwi ng walang paalam naglalahong parang bula

KUNG FU – KUNG FUmulutan malupet, tirador ng pulutan, ginagawang picnic

THE CHOSEN ONE – Official runner ng tindahan, bili yelo, yosi, alak

DEADMAN DRINKER – unang nalalasing

THE ORIGINALS – lage mong katagay

Ikaw??? Anong klase ka??

--------------------------------------------------

May nakikita sa akin sa dalampasigan…

“malungkot at nag-iisa”

Sabi niya..

“ kung mahal mo siya bakit hindi mo ipadama”

Sumagot ako..

“Adik ka ba??? Naiwan ako sa outing!!!

Mahal ka dyan!!!!”

-------------------------------------------------

Lola: sino yang kasama mo??!!!

Apo: BF ko po!!!!

Lola: aba bata ka pa.. lumalandi ka na.. pasok sa loob!!! At ikaw lalaki…

“DONCHA WISH UR GELPREN WAS HOT LIKE ME.. DONCHA BABY!!!”

-------------------------------------------------

Friendship between Women: a woman did’nt come home one night, told husband that she had slept at her friends house. Husband called 10 of her friends but all said: “ no she wasn’t here”

Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night, told wife he had slept at a buddy’s place. Wife called 10 of his friends, 8 of them confirmed he had slept over and 2 even claimed he was still there!!!...

-----------------------------------------------

Getting angry is punishing yourself with the mistakes of others. So keep away from anger coz you’ll get wrinkles!! Tingnan mo ang betlog kulubot kc katabi niya galit palagi….

-----------------------------------------------

Anak: tay wala na naman tayo ulam ah…

AMA: mahirap ngayon ang buhay anak.. tiis muna tayo, isipin mo na lang bawat subo mo na sasabihin ko ulam yun anak…

Anak: Sige tay!!!

AMA: nilagang baboy!!!

Anak: hhhmmmm.. sarap…

Ama: sisig na isda!!!

Anak: huhuhuhuhuh L

AMA: bakit ka umiyak!!!

Anak: ang anghang tay!!!

-----------------------------------------------

Tinanong ko ang lolo ko…

“masakit po ba talaga ang magmahal ng lubos??”

Ang sabi ni lolo,

"Apo, rich tayo.. ayos lang magmahal ang pulbos"

---------------------------------------

Contribution by: 0921248****, 0921233****, 0927672****